It's all like force feeding them laughter.

The Job Force;

isabellastarr — Sat, 02 May 2009 17:11:30 +0000

It’s extremely hard to find a job then again I’ve been applying for about a year now and have gotten a lot of interviews, multiple interviews from most places actually but then companies had to cut hours once again. I’m applying to about anywhere and any job I know I don’t belong here anymore and I don’t feel like I do at all no-matter who I am with or where I am. I feel like I’m in a constant hurry to be off and doing something or going somewhere far away from here. Hopefully something job wise will turn out soon I emailed the director about the job at the hospital today it’s 9 an hour and a full time job I could probably do that and not have another get my car and leave by September only waiting until then so I can get as much money saved up as I can. I may get another one on the weekends if it’s just during the week or the days I am off just to add to it because I need a car and if I can help my mom pay the phone bill even a little would help her. Though I don’t think the hospital job would be transferable it’d be another good one that is well looked upon to take with me when I go job hunting in Kentucky. I am so ready to be there it is where my heart is, with a friend. I need to get back on writing my gratitude lists and need/want lists.

A Comforting Voice;

isabellastarr — Fri, 01 May 2009 14:59:29 +0000

Daniel called last night letting me know what things are going to happen soon, and as sad as it is that it may be a month or so before I see him, I know he is where he needs to be and that is as close as he can be to his son. His mind isn’t right now, and he needs all the support he can to be ok, and I’m willing to step up and be that friend when he needs it no matter where I am located. He told me I know him the same if not better then some people he has known for years so what does speak of? Someone who you have known for five months learning about you as much as someone you grew up with, what will I know and what will it be like in a few years? It could spawn something great nothing less than an extremely close bonded friendship between the two of us and I am completely ok with that. I plan on trying to go to Kentucky next month well technically today is the first so this month and see him, see if there is anything I can bring him or he needs help setting up or just general things. I’m also making the trip to scope out job opportunities and places to live for when I move in a few months. I’m not letting this school not giving me as much aid set me back in anything I am doing with my life. Just my take don’t rely on certain things so much do for yourself as you should, protecting and guiding yourself to those things you want and need that fall into both categories at the same time.

Something that might be helpful, as it was for me a small reading Stuck With Pins message from their Thursday meeting, http://stuckwithpins.wordpress.com/ . It may trigger something in your mind to step up your game or just be a helping hand to someone who needs help with theirs. Spread the word. Stuck With Pins is a great organization even though I am completely around the country it still speaks to me and reaches me it can reach you no matter where you are at.

What It All Comes Down To;

isabellastarr — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 16:52:34 +0000

I’m going to the doctor soon, but for several things, making sure I don’t have to have surgery and to see if what I thought may have been my period was indeed that as well. So I asked Melissa not to tell me what Daniel says to her about me, generally I know him being as secretive with his family about everything as he is in general he wouldn’t tell her exactly the truth not about that, not if he doesn’t tell him about big things as well. So she blurts out in Walmart when someone else asks her what is going on, “Oh he tells me nothing is going on between them.” Like if I asked you not to tell me it’d be the right and polite thing to not tell anyone else either. So of course that comment sits on my mind and lingers her fault, I try not to really let it get to me. But so be it whatever if that is the case he has a very opposite way of showing it all together, making me cuddle with him when we sleep and so on and so forth and honestly I’m so sick of bull shit with guys I could care less what she thinks about this right now it’s none of her business and I hope to God he doesn’t speak of his feelings lying or being truthful to her anymore. She doesn’t need to know but I think I deserve to if that is the case. I mean you can see if you are around me and him it’s not like he acts like he doesn’t like me simple comments he makes gives that away all together. Really though he could have just not said anything to her about it even though she was the one who brought it up, she needs to not put herself into mine and his business anyways. I need a trip, and one sooner rather then later because if I find something or someone worth staying here for and don’t get the oh so needed vacation I will more then likely not come back at all. Love seems so fake these days like you begin to really care and have feelings for someone but with a drop of the hat, they can change their mind about all the things they tell you they feel for you. It’s over with and done for. Is there any reason to hope to find a good guy out there for me really? At this point I think not. I’m not giving up on Daniel, he would be the first guy I’ve really expressed my interest in and actually worked for, but that is because he means a lot to me. Even with all the other things I’ve had to deal with his ex wife and Sasha, and her girlfriend, most people would have bailed on it already and been like wth this is just a bunch of crap and it’s never going to end. Maybe I need to stop hoping for the better too bad it’s in my genetics to hope for the best even when I know nothing will work out. I wish he would just see who has been standing beside of him for the past five months now, I don’t plan on being anything less than a good friend to him. He needs to get it in his head not everyone it out to be against him definitely not me at least, I want to help and I will help. Why does he have to mean so much? I could be going to Washington next semester instead of staying here, I would be happy and away from this hell hole of a place. Yet I stuck around and am completely ok with the fact if I was with him I could stay here and be happy as long as I am with him forever well at leats until I die. Or where ever he decides he needed us to be and I’d be there. It’s just asking so much it seems to have someone genuinely care about you now. I’m probably screwed in the dating field forever. I’ve been trying to work out more lately. My benefit totally who cares what anyone else thinks I want to do good for myself. It should be what is most important I do too much for others and do they do much for me, most of them no not at all. Most of them don’t do a damn thing for me. Sad part is I just realized I haven’t turned my phone on today and it’s almost one you know why I am worried about it because my mom can’t call me if that is the case and she is the only one I really care to talk to. No-one else calls, no-one else cares. One day something is going to go down in my life and someone will care. Someone needs to start stepping up. I don’t have all the time in the world no-one does.

Creative Minds;

isabellastarr — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 16:59:31 +0000

So I stayed at Melissa’s last night, I put the designs on Daniel’s Easter stuff I need to find something to put it together in, he will be here on Monday night and I think me and Melissa might be going to get him can you say airport hug? I miss him a lot I talk to him about everyday now just joking around mostly, I still miss him a lot, good thing he is coming back because I’d be torn up if he wasn’t. I may be getting a job in a few weeks at the store Melissa works out which means moving and all sorts of other good things saving up for stuff like a car and a place. My fafsa check will come in handy for that next year as well. Hopefully Daniel will enrolled in Criminal Justice classes I think he could be a wonderful cop, I mean he can be scary ha. I put his name in Japanease on the big colored Easter eggs and I have fortune cookies, chop sticks, candy necklaces, a Crown Royal bag, and I’m going to get him some dark chocolate and bouncy balls for it as well. Melissa bought me a Marvel Comic poster they had at Dollar Tree I’m stoked you have no clue. Daniel better not take it I swear. So they are offering at least one art class next semester so I can stay and not worry about transferring and having to find a way to GTCC nor will I have to worry about running into my ex in class or between classes any longer. I mean he is a good guy, but things are hard enough and Daniel means a lot to me, not that David could compete with him in anyway I just don’t want to start caring about him like that again because I love where things are right now with me liking and loving Daniel and David just being a good friend I can talk to if I need to. I need to start doing extra comission pieces of art work I need to start some of that so I may still be doing that show in Clemmons on top of the other two I am doing through class in Lexington and Thomasville all around the same time so maybe all that will help with savings and so on. I need a break with something soon. I feel like my hard work will pay off somehow. I think Melissa’s parents think since he doesn’t qualitfy for financial aid that Daniel won’t but because he is 25 years old he doesn’t have to use their information for his and could get his whole schooling paid for by the government without any problems because he made less in a year then my mom does by a lot he isn’t even getting at much back on his taxes as I will. Which reminds me I need to call my back and see when that comes in and when it does go get all my money out, and close my account and start one at Truliant because it’s a more common country wide bank, and it will be easier for me to get money if needed plus I can get a free account if that is the case. So ideas ideas, I need to work on my Richard Childress Vineyards painting, a long with my essay for Psychology, and my two assignments for Writing class the annotated bibliography and then the corrections for the Militant Angels paper. Which I may go do right now. I think me being so exhausted and sleepy is from how on the go and doing everything I can on time with having a social life is what is making me so sleepy so I have been on rest and relaxation mode for the past week. Oh well that is coming to an end and will pick back up in a month when classes end I think I’ve been doing that since January I can hold out for another month. Eh we need to go buy another air mattress for the sun room, technically mine and Daniel’s room.

Excitement;

isabellastarr — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 12:44:12 +0000

So pretty much I talked Daniel the other day it made me really happy minus the people harassing me while I was on the phone with him. He comes home soon I’m happy about that and I may cook one night for him when he gets back, I’m such a hopeless hopeless romantic and yes I meant to say that twice I’m just hopeless ha but I hope. I have little Easter surprises for him, like I’m buying him candy and decorating things for him. Like fortune cookies and candy and maybe some bouncy balls to just be funny. It shows him that I care about him and will do the little things to show that. He totally caught a 75 pound fish yesterday and that is crazy it’s almost like half of his body weight I would think it would have pulled him out of the boat for sure. I’m not going to my morning classes the night after he gets home that way we can all ride to the school and the zoo together, I’m excited about that too a lot of my friends are going like almost 3/4′s of the people going aren’t just from class. I miss him and I swear if he thought me being a little cuddly was me being affectionate he might be surprised to when he gets back about how I am going to act. I’m so excited for the zoo, ok now I’m going to go work on my additional essay for Psychology and then I am going to start correcting my Militant Angels paper and work on my annotated bibliography for class. I have been rather studious lately it’s kind of funny.

The Missing Muse;

isabellastarr — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 12:54:36 +0000

If someone means so much to you, yet you hardly know them. You’ve hung out with them once for a period of a few days in three years, you cannot possibly miss them, so much it makes you depressed unless you are a lonely person, who has no drive to go out and find someone who would try and see them. Sad part is you are so stupid he lived 30 minutes away from you, for the biggest part of those three years and you didn’t see him what makes you think you will now? Not going to happen he isn’t coming back, get over him, because what he does here obviously shoes he is over you. I think it’s sad, you act so sketchy and then pretend you are in love with him, when you are a bitch to him, stop mistreating him. I’m having to make up for your damage and trust me I have no problem with that but you aren’t that helpless if someone who has known them for five months can easily show them how much he means to me by doing small things you would think you would try a little harder when your competition sees him almost daily and lives with him, and sleeps in his bed with him without any conjunction what so ever from him. (= I hope you realize how naive you are. And see how you never really cared, otherwise you would try harder.

Lillian Grace;

isabellastarr — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 01:58:27 +0000

A saint of innocence, a star in my sky.

You bring life into our world of hope, please be true.

I love you Lillian Grace, a piece of him and a piece of me together.

Too many thoughts colliding in my mind, the stomach aches

are bringing me to my knees but I will be strong, so I can see your face.

You are nothing but the definition of love,

wrapped into a small little bundle, tiny foot prints, tiny finger prints.

Dreams of a true cherubim, you are the light of my life. Or will be at least.

Please bring your light into my world. I have the sun, now I need the stars.

Sleeping On Top of the Sheets

isabellastarr — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 16:47:13 +0000

It’s noon and he isn’t awake yet and I probably wouldn’t have been either if it weren’t for the urge to go to the bathroom and the dog pushing me off of the bed this morning at eleven something, we had a chance to go out to eat breakfast but he turned it down and I wasn’t exactly hungry at 9 this morning when they asked so yea. Something that needs to be spoken of I’m weird with showing how much I appreciate people, and Daniel and Melissa’s family down right does too much for me, they don’t make me pay for breakfast or anything and it like makes me feel so bad and trust me none of them would be paying if I had a job I’d be helping them out all I could. I will too when I get a job I need to run by the mall and hand in the few applications I have left as well. I need something to start working in my direction or at least looking like it’s going to eventually get to something. I’m going to talk to my Psychology teacher on Monday to see if she will write me a recommendation letter to the University of the Cumberlands in Kentucky I think leaving and going there would actually help me with a bunch of things, I could probably even get an apartment or something there I need to save up for a car before hand though that extra 12000 will come in handy for both of those needed things. My reall family didn’t try calling me at all yesterday it kind of made me mad, they really honestly aren’t going through the right steps to show they care at all, I’m wondering in the back of my head if my room hasn’t been cleared out and all my stuff in the yard right now or by the street. I would be so mad. Daniel is so cute when he is asleep minus last night he kept twitching and I remembered the storey Melissa told me about how he beat up his brother David in his sleep and then how Daniel said just constantly have contact with me and I won’t do anything even in my sleep so I hahah made sure I had my arm drapped across him at all times. He eventually settled down. I think I may go back in there soon and lay back down knowing my luck though he will wake up and not lay back down as well, neither I nor him have had as much sleep these past few weeks as we had been having before.

Good enough;

isabellastarr — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 18:18:17 +0000

Dear God, I am not good enough to have such a person in my life. Yet, I know I deserve better then to have my feelings being played with, my heart isn’t a hacky sack and I swear if yet another person plays another violent game with it as if it was one, I’m never coming back to this nor will I allow myself to be so vulnerable to anyone else. I know I say this and go back on it time and time again but really. To put someone so strong and influential in my life, as if the day you put the sun beside the earth giving it life. To one day take it away and make it painful, cold, and dark once again useless that is what you would be doing with me, without him in my life. Happiness never exsisted until now. Taking this away from me, could very well may drain me of any life and passion I have. I’m more scared of losing this then facing my biggest fears, put spiders in a box in front of me I’ll keep myself from screaming, if the prize is to have his love. Surround me in a circle of fire, as long as not flinching means I shall have his love. Strap me to the peak of an extremely tall building, I shall not close my eyes if I recieve his love. I want to help him, and make him happy. He has more of me then anyone will ever know. Why just why may I ask you?

Ehpiany in action;

isabellastarr — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 03:24:59 +0000

If you had any clue at all how happy you make me feel just by being around you. Neither of us has to speak nor look at each other but being in your very presence comforts me. It has been so long since I have had that feeling with anyone and if anything I don’t want to lose that. I told you tonight that you couldn’t take all my happiness away, by shooting my cat. Truth is cat or no cat without you I’d be a wreck once again. I honestly don’t think I could grit my teeth and smile and pretend to be happy either if I were to lose such an amazing person. You mean so much to me, more then the world actually. I wish I could show you just that and I’d never be mean to you, for you have had to deal with people being mean to you your whole life. You have had to deal with being thrown away and I would never throw you away. You are the reason I get through my days here, you honestly are. So if in the end you don’t know anything else, know you have helped me be happy in a place I thought it could never exsist in.

Let’s travel together and see where this may take us. It is worth the effort and worth the risk and you are the only person I am willing and comfortable enough to take it with. So let’s pack out bags and we can sleep next to each other in the tent and I’ll stay up all night amazed by listening to your heart beat, because like you, it keeps me going.